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Who KNEW this would ever be a topic.... I certainly have come to terms with being single for the time being, not morbidly, just realistically. But over the last couple months there's been some stirring of the heart pot. The first love of my life, my high school sweetheart has recently tracked me down. She still looks exactly as I remember her. Her children have her nose and crescent shaped eyes. She's on the other side of the country and living happily. I couldn't believe that my heart skipped a beat when I read her email. It's been a very, very long time. And although we never dated, she said some very kind things to me unlike what I've heard from anyone. It's been fun to think about her and reminisce, but also quiet challenging to keep my heart in check. My mind has wondered down paths that it shouldn't and although I want to tell her that I still would give her the moon, I know deep down that I cannot, should not convey my affection for her.
With that said, at a sushi party tonight, I remembered a particular gal that I met and clicked with.... clicked with until I found out she was moving to Cali. Well, hello, long distance won't work! But over the last couple months, mainly in December, we spent some intense times together which included intense conversations. Now... could shoulder. Texts, emails and phone calls are not speedily returned if they are even returned at all. I don't want to paint her in a bad light, she's very sweet and kind. I'd like to think we've both been busy...but the "intenseness" that was once there, seems to be a little lack luster. My buddy says, "Maybe she's just trying to get over you..." which of course totally made me laugh and reply, "Ok, seriously?!!! No girl has ever had trouble getting over me."
I'll take responsibility. For sure. I've so many questions swirling around my wee brain that she's stirred up. She gets credit, but the reality is, if any girl started showing me a little favorable attention, I'd be confused. One friend told me that I frustrate her because, "I'm so afraid to let anyone love me, it's ridiculous!!!" That caught be by surprise. She might be right.
Siiiigh...Now, I almost feel like I have to apologize for something when nothing has even happened yet. I was guarded. I was protected. I tried to not mislead, or lead in any direction for that matter, neither yes nor no, just...shrug...I guess if I can't explain it, how can I expect her to understand it? I've grown allergic to some C-words... Commitment being the most troublesome, communication a fast runner up.
Not sure how long this will last or how many sleepless nights I can have...was up until 4a.m. last night. So many questions. What makes my heart flutter like with my first love and is it wrong to compare the two. Time is a major factor, and the December gal I've seen a handful of times...out of state doesn't help at all. And speaking of out of state, there is a gal continentally diagonal from me...She graces my thoughts...I have admiration for her, then see the disapproving look of her parents, the age difference (which is hypocritical because I think age is in the heart and love should find love without bounds)...the fact that she has no idea makes me grin and cringe at the memory the last time I "sprung" my affection for an unsuspecting friend. The weird thing about that was that all her friends knew, but she claimed she didn't. "I hardly know you," accompanied her denial, not to be confused with "I know you too well," voiced by a denying two year crush. Shoot. I was hoping to find answers in writing this out and listening to Norah Jones...seems all I've come up with is a lengthy blog......... .... .. .