Sunday, August 15

Why the......

....heck do I think the things I do???

That is the question of the day. I've had some weird thoughts and battled lies and ideas that I can only hope aren't true. Where do they come from??? Now that I'm wanting to write some of them down, it's like a dream that appears so unforgettable, the moment you wake up, it's forgotten.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment... maybe angst(?) from today's wedding. Is there a condensed version? The groom is my friend. We've lived together. Had many meals and good times together. Traveled. Schemed various business plans together. Sharpened each other. Laughed. But our friendship hit a snaffoo a couple years ago because of something his father/father's friends said. Sadly, our relationship veered off course and is less (although ok), is less than I hoped for. Today, when the father came up to me to say hello, (the first time since poisoning my friend against me, I was, for the first time in my life, completely and utterly speechless. I barely got out, "Nice ceremony. Beautiful day." Not even complete sentences. A tidal wave of incapacitating frustration overwhelmed every part of me. Why can't I let this go? I thought I had. Obviously... I was wrong. In talking it over with a friend, I became more agitated at the attack of my character a couple years ago. Yes. I am far from perfect, however, I am working towards becoming a man of integrity...this requires honesty, sincerity, consistency, loyalty, faithfulness, truthfulness... I aspire to live the life Christ has called us to as in Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." When one's character or intentions are attacked, it's like being on trial and having to prove yourself innocent instead of the other way around. This is a form of injustice which infuriates me.

So. What happens now? My friend is married... again, another relationship that will wane away or morph into almost non-existence. It's the current trend these days....being loyal to my buds only to be forgotten once the ring is on their left hand. Granted, not all of them have forgotten about me, but definitely the majority. Once kids are in the picture, I cease to exist. Everyone says, "It's a fact of life." This offers no consolation. For me, the purpose of investing in people's lives is the hope of developing life long friendships. Such is not the case in reality. One thought that crossed my mind today was "the reason people get married is so that they always have someone around... someone who can't leave when others do... someone who wants to be loved and share love as much as the other does... someone who will be there, willfully, when all others are silent..."

Another friend has taken interest in a girl...somewhat expeditiously. That was two weeks ago. Already our friendship has been condensed into an occasional text. You're probably thinking that I'm jealous. Yup. I'm jealous that he may have found love (and I haven't). Jealous that I'm not a priority... and generally sad that...well.... another one bites the dust.

PS--Just checked the Google Buzz and confirmed with FB that another friend just got engaged. Congratulations, Ben.

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